Remember your dreams Naveen.
You cannot end up being a mediocre. And neither will I be influcened by people following a normal path. I won’t sacrifise my dreams. I am going to take risks. I will not take any Job which pays well - Just because it’s the safe thing to do. I want to enter a startup - A energetic startup where I can feel the vibe and see that I do something extraordinary. Where I can work on some exciting tech.
I am losing focus here…
I dunno what I want to do next - I gotta start thinking what I’ll do here. I’ll update this part once I do clear up and maybe get the time and mood to continue ahead.
As of now, I lost the track of my thoughts - I’ll return back someother day. Only one minor thing has been cleared until now - I also need to understand that something like this - would take many days to write and plan.
Or maybe as usual - I’ll end up taking a leap of faith and see where it takes me. But I know one thing for sure - If I want to manage both things I need to plan well. Because Planning is important.
Ciao for now everybody! Have great fun :)
Update : 10-Sep-2019
So Here I am back Sam, I thought things will go back to normal. The way they were supposed to be. This void of sadness is eating me up - Along with this comes also the guilt - That I don’t deserve to be sad. There’s no one around me to share - Someone who can understand what I feel. It’s pointless for me to expect someone to understand what I feel. Because how will anyone ever understand what the other is going through.
Ahhhhh! It’s all going over my head Sam. I want to call Maa and tell her what I feel - But Dad is not well, and if I breakdown - Mom and Dad both will loose their strength. And I also don’t wanna burden Maa will extra tension and bother Dad. It’s better I keep them away from my turmoil. In fact - I don’t wanna inflict my problems onto others. Yet I wish I had someone to talk to - someone to share and get their opinions and strength.
It does gets lonely Sam. It’s hard to keep going alone , hard to keep fighting for your ideals and staying strong on your beliefs when everyone around me has completely opposite beliefs. I don’t blame them at all Sam. Everyone has their priorities and their values. I respect their opinion. I just hope there was someone who could understand me. Someone who could sit me down and give me strenght and show me the path I need to take.
Is it only me who is confused or Are there people every where. I hate myself Sam. I am slacking a lot nowadays. I should be working hard and putting in my best efforts to see that I reach towards my ultimate goal but all I do now is Lay on the bed and look at the ceiling and day dream. How can this go on Sam. If this goes on this way - I’ll never improve - I’ll remain the same and I’m scared that I might end up becoming some normal person leading a normal life. I don’t want that to be me. I can’t imagine me living that kind of life. I want to be at the forefront of technology leading a change. I want that kind of life.
For all this, I need a mentor - Someone who can push me to my fullest extent. Someone who will help me break my boundaries and help me realise my potential. Or do i need them Sam? Can I alone do it. It’s hard to do it alone Sam.
Fuck this shit. I’m going nowhere with this. TO put it in normal sentences. I feel lonely. I want a mentor to push me to reach my potential, I want to be at the forefront of technology and I don’t wanna live a life of a normal person.
Naveen - understand this - All of your dream won’t happen if you keep cribing about your situation. Remember you are fully capable of controlling your actions. Laying down on the bed and wasting around time will not bring you what you desire. You need to get out there and put in your work. You need to stop slacking and start working.
Start by thinking small:
You can’t plan your future but you can take small actions to see that you don’t regret later. So let’s list down the things you want to do:
Now the question comes - How are you gonna do all this - You gotta start planning. Else it ain’t gonna work.
Update : 15-Sep-2019
Okay, Sam I fucked up. Fucked up real bad. I’m scared that I am going back to m basic human instinct and have started to get lazy and forget about everything. I can’t allow this to happen. I cannot go back and become a normal person. No No Noooo. If I do switch back to it - I’ll loose myself. I’m noticing that I am watching more movies and taking a lot of rest. This is being happening since the past 2 week. That means a total of 24x14 hours. Fuck me Samm.
To be honest - I hate this feeling. This feeling of let go and just not do anything. It eats me up. It’s just like the momentary pleasure that you get when you masturbate. And once that is done - You feel a different feeling ( This topic is for another day.) I do not want instant gratification. I can not let it happen. I fucking want to keep myself busy. Busy with so much work that sleep should only become a thing to live. I miss the days when I handled both. When I was chasing the deadlines.
But this time I want to work on something that I believe in. Something that I am ready to spend most of the time. I really need to find something to keep myself busy Sam.
There’s this other realization that I hit up with. If I want to try various different things I surely gotta have a time table. I am a crying asshole. There is so much to do.. So many things right before my eyes - Yet I’m clinging on to excuses. Excuses to give me a short cut. Because as we know - It’s always been easy for me to blame everything on excuses and let it go.s
Fuck all this. I am going to change it. I will make a Time table and get back to my old form of Not sleeping till 1-2am. It gave me different kind of thrills. The satisfaction of working hard all day and then retiring to a bed. So If I really want to change my life - I need to go in an organised way.
Because one thing I realised while doing both is that - There is so much time available - You only need to know how to utilize it. Even with GSoC, OMP and Finals I was able to extract 1 month time to chill out and relax. That means with good planning we can extract a lot of time and do lot’s of work.
THis is one last year - I am going to dive into various things and see where it takes me.
Also, going and looking back my previous attempts at this does prove that I failed everytime. One thing being - I can’t arrange tasks based on time. Saying that from 10:00am to 12:00am I’ll do so and so. It’s better If I write down the tasks that I want to achieve in a day and plan on it as day leads on.
Also I decided to make time to read a book for atleast one hour daily. No matter what. And also practise Coding questions everyday - Because I need to overcome this fear.
During these 5 days conversation with myself - I realised that I have been avoiding Competitive Coding only because I was scared that I would suck at it. It’s been a fear since the very beginning. Only to avoid it - I started to find ways to go around it so that I need not do it. But let’s face it SAM – If I go around it and keep going on - I would never overcome this fear and it’ll keep coming back to me one day or another.
And just for this - I am not going to set my bar low and get into a company that I don’t want to work for. I did it once for the college and I don’t want to do it again. The lower the bar I set - The lower I am going to reach. You want to make it big - Dream BIG. Dream BIG and work hard. Because If I again get into a mediocre company - I will be surrounded by mediocre people and there would go my dream of self development.
And that’s the reason why I won’t aim small.
So whatever it is - Two things are to be done daily - Book and Comp Coding. Then comes next - I gotta start exploring other fields of CS. And work on it.
Also I’m easily getting side tracked. I need to start my experiment again. So here it goes - I woe to not watch a movie/animated movie/any web series until I go to france. There it goes. And I won’t simply be checking my mail and LinkedIn and keep wasting my time.
I want to change myself. I wanna fight to see that I am a better person than today. It’s hard to do it alone - But you fucking gotta do it. It’s for a greater cause.
THere are still a lot of unaswered questions going on. I gotta calm them out. The range of these questions is quite wide. But for now - I’ll take the reins of my life into my own hands and see that I change it.
I want to be on the same level of some awesome programmer. I want companies to beg me to come to them to work. I want to reach that level of mastery and I won’t be able to do that if I remain this normal stupid faggot - I gotta evolve. And that is what I’ll do. Evolve.
I don’t know where things will take me - And I have no clue. I am clueless tbh. No clarity - I don’t know if anybody else feels this turmoil inside them. The pain and fear of not knowing about themself. Sam, I don’t even know about myself. The situation is so bad that I don’t even know my sexual orientation - (hahaha! I guess the person reading this might have twitched xD) - I want to know myself Sam. I wanna calm down the oceans of thoughts that exist. And the other part doesn’t want it to cease. I want to do great things - I believe I owe it to the society and all the good people who helped me live a great life. I guess this hude chaos is common - But I find it odd that people are scared/shy of sharing what they really feel. I sometimes could sense the things people feel - Some feel really lonely. I feel at times - Lonely because I want to talk to people about what I feel - But I also on the other hand am not comfortable to share it. We are thought since kids that it’s bad thing to break down - It’s a weakness and it’s wrong of you to put your problem onto others and that your problems are pretty worthless.
I wish people thought other people to love themselves and explore their inner self. People have stopped getting deep into themselves and talk to themselves. They have become too busy with their lives that they have forgot about their true self. Readers who dared to read on - Just think about it. When was the last time you ever took a break and talked to yourself. And some of you don’t even know what I’m talking about.
The question about
How the fuck is this inner self. Well it’s you. The pure you. Whose voice you do hear sometimes. Which usually get’s drowned or ignored. This voice which guides you at times about what to do or not. This voice stops you from becoming the animal - The voice which brings out the emotions in you. I wish you could find it. It’s surreal. It helps me. Talking to myself and when it hits me backs and reminds me who I am.
Sometimes - I am amazed at how I do pull off the all time calm and cool attitude in public. I don’t even know how I ever do it. It’s only when i’m totallly in the zone that I pull off the viel that I understand what kind of asshole I’m. For those of you who know me - I consider myself to be the biggest hypocrite. I don’t practise what I preach. Just so you know - I too am just an asshole with tons of emotions that I don’t understand and am very good at hiding it xD.
In short - I’m person in making - Who knows nothing about himself.
But remember I won’t stop here. It’s good for me. The harder and confusing my life is - The stronger I become and the wiser I would become. I love it yet I hate it.
For now, Readers remember - I am confused and weak and maybe on the verge of breaking down - Buttt - I am not going to give up. I would endure this and fight it alone and rise about it. That’s who I am - I NEVER GIVE UP. NO one decided my life except me alone. Except maybe for the ONE who keeps this universe in check.
So that’s it for now babes - Here I go out and zone out and fight the real world and try as many things as possible.
CIAO - I am going out with fingers crossed that I come up with a proper plan that will propel me into a full developement.