Journal: Conversation with Sam

Dear Sam,

Here I am again writing another experience of my life. Before I go on, I’ll just write down the usual satuatory warning for the readers. Dear Readers, the following are my opinions and my opinions only. Some of the following content might be harsh and might not suit your taste. And most of the content might not even have a logical connection between them. So if messed up coffee isn’t your cup of tea - Then please go on and read my other tech posts. The following post is written just for me to gather my thoughts and emotions and come up with a plan on what to do.

Now that the WARNING is done. Let’s dive in, shall we Sam.

Sam, you have asked me once, why do write my personal stuff and post it online. What if! Someone thinks you are mad or some crazy idiot. Well TBH sam, it doesn’t bother me at all. The only reason I post it is beacuse - I know somewhere in this part of the world their is someone who might be in same the confused state I am today and I hope that he stumbles across this and know that it’s Okay to feel that way. And there’s nothing wrong with him.

Is it weird that I want to write tons of stuff and yet I don’t want to write? I sometimes - correction Most of the times, I have never been able to understand what I feel. That’s the reason why I sometimes feel this disconnnection with most of the people around me. I feel guilty of not feeling guilty that I am unable to connect to people. Is it odd that I like to stay alone far away from the crowd - nested in my small little comfortable Rabbit hole writing and talking with my computer. That being said Sam, you do know that I ain’t like the kid who people don’t know. I do interact with people and people do know me. I just keep my distance from everyone. Is it weird to feel this disconnection with everyone. I just get tired most of the time to put on this facade to face the world with this bright shiny smile. What am I saying!! I put up the smile because I like to put it. I mean, I generally am happy most of the time. Yet I’m sad at the same time. Wow! WHat a weird state.

Being in the zone of happy yet being in the zone of not knowing what the other emotion is. Or am I just complicating things. Are emotions as singular as they are protrayed. I mean either someone is either happy, or sad or funny etc. Is it true that a person can either feel only one of these emotions at any one time. Or are there any emotion which we haven’t named and yet we subconsciously try to fit these into those that we know? I don’t know, All I do know is - I experienced a tons of situations where the feeling/emotion that I had at a particular instance wasn’t able to be classified in any one of the emotions that I can name. It was just a mixture of stuff at the same time. I used to be scared of these instances, I still am - But I still am unable to accept these. Or did I accept thise. Okay! This is getting crazy - i lost track of what I was saying. Lemme recollect my thoughts.

Oh! So I was saying I guess emotions aren’t singular - There are few emotions that we understood about and we named them - But my question is how did we learn to classify our emotions. I mean how do we subconsiously state that the state we are in is either happy or sad. What if there are few emotions that are unexplainable. Do such a thing exist - I don’t know. All I know is - There were times I wasn’t able to classify what I felt and that scared the shit out of me. I just want you to know Naveen - That it’s Okay if you ever feel that way again - Maybe that will help you to understand your inner self better. So when you do come in such a stance next time - embrace it and explore what you want to do.

Oh Boy!! I really can divert my thought train. Fuck it Sam, Fuck it - I’m gonna write what all i feel. No connection between anything. Just so you know, I’m not drunk (I don’t drink :D – Alcohols is a big NO NO for me and so is smoking). I’m just in those weird moods ( Or my close friends call this Naveen's periods - Sorry for being insensitive.)

So Sam, I do feel Sad and other emo’s that I don’t understand. But i also feel guilt and ashamed that How can I have the audacity to feel sad when there are people who are in much worse state than me and I am one of the blessed one. Yet those people chose to be happy - So I shouldn’t feel sad. That’s so stupid of me. Even though I know this - I still feel sad - But I don’t want to. I can’t and I should not. I am blessed with all that I need - How can I waste my time cribbing and ranting about stuff that are so trivial, when people are in worse situation. That is not acceptable Naveen. So does this mean, that I have no right to feel sad? I don’t think that’s what I mean Naveen - You as all Human beings are free to feel what they want to feel - Sometimes these feeling are not under your control ( WHo control’s it then - Maybe that’s a topic for some other day). But what you have is the choice is how you wanna deal with it. Either keep cribing about it and get up and do work that can subdue the emotion that hurts you.

I totally agree with what you say Sam - I cannot sit back and let this emotion take over me. But Sammmmm – It’s hard to remain motivated when you are alone. When you see people around you having different ideologies than you and it’s hard to stay strong and remain with your idealogy. Now don’t give me the shit that - It’s hard and not Impossible.Oh My Dear Naveen - No I won’t say that sentence though that was the first line that popped in my head :P. You see Sam, one that thing is I want to learn Sam and absorb as much knowledge as I can so that I can be closer to my ultimate goals - But all I see around me is - People worrying about Placements and have no regard with innovation - All they want is a fucking JOB. I just seek one such person who will come to me and say - naveen let’s get onto this fucking exciting project and built it - It’ll be awesome. That someone who will push me to my extereme. I’m literally slacking Sam. It’s means like 10 days since GSOC and OMP completed and all I have been doing is laying down on the bed and doing nothing. And mind you! It’s not because of the feeling that I have accomplished something - But because I’m sulking that I haven’t done anything worthy enough. I’m literary lost — The song is ringing in my head of the Lost Boy - Peter pan.

Fuckkkk! I want to do so many things. So many things to do and here I am sitting in front of you and Ranting. I fucking want to change the world. Change the world for Good. You know Sam, the weird part is - Every week I come across a new principle of mine. Some day I want to change the world from proverty by teaching for free, Someday I want to become rich enough to give the poor job and donate to people, Someday I want to save Mother Earth and some other fucking day some other thought.

There are so many problem I want to solve and I’m scared that I would be caught up in my thinking that I won’t end up doing anything. And this fear is turning into reality as the day go on. All i do is sulk and think that I want to change the world and YET I Never pix up the axe and start cutting down the tree.

Sam, What IF I DOn’t end up doing anything. What If I end up living some ordinary life - Where I get a JOB - A Family - DIE . What if I don’t end doing my part in the world. But what is my fucking part in the world. Or does this concept even present. Or are we all just a simple coincidence? And that there is no meaning to our lives.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCKKK FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK Sam, All these fucking emotions are so conflicting with each other that I might explode. If I start thinking about all of them - I get so frustrated, angry, sad and guilty.

Naveeen, Stop it here. Remember - You aren’t a GOD/superhuman. You cannot control and manage everything by yourself. See Naveen, all these are great world problems. You cannot put your foot into everything. You need to take things one at a time.

I’ll tell something about you Naveen-

You are someone who loves technology and loves to learn new stuff and build it. You are someone who like to develop an API rather than use it. You like to go in depth rather than width. In short you love technology. But you are scared that you don’t know everything about it and you have FOMO. You dream of getting onto the level of Linus Trovalds, Steve Wozniack, Bill Gates, Elon Musk.

And another part of you want to go all in into Social Service. You look/ dream that someday you’ll be the reason of changing the world. You want to walk down the path of selflessness and give off everything you want. You just want to help people stand up on their feets.

The problem I feel is that You have been trying to merge these both into one. You want to merge your thirst of knowledge for new exciting tech with your desire and will to help people. And you ended up coming up ideas that Your code is helping people and that’s why you code.

This is also the very reason why you had conflict during GSoC and other projects. You lied and made yourself believe that you are doing it to help people. But in fact - You knew deeply well inside that - You were doing it because you wanted to work and learn tech. That had nothing to do with social service and that’s why you ended up feeling sad and guilty half way through.

See naveen, I don’t know how we ended up believing that there need to be only one goal we should totally focus our life onto. That basically did not work out for you did it. Having a single goal - Made your superimpose two things which were totally out of phase. This ended up in some huge internal conflicts.

What I feel is Naveen - It’s totally Okay to have two seperate goal with no intersection at all. You should not feel guilty about developing apps and programs that in no way might help people around you - which you only do to kindke your fire of inquisitiveness.

It’s completely fine to keep these things seperate.

What i say naveen is to live two lives. One where you put in all your efforts in pursuit of Education and other part where you contribute back to the society. Yes you would have to figure out how you’ll do it. Maybe spend the morning time to work on the things you like and during the evening and other free time - Use the knowledge that you gain or just join groups that you like to give your service back to society.

It’s totally Okay for you to, have different goals with no intersection.

Thanks Sam, this does clear the fog a little. There are tons and tons of questions that bother me but this was something that I had to understand. Something I will accept that it’s okay to have two contrasting dreams.

Now that I have divided my things into two things:

  1. Academic Pursuit
  2. Socail Service

I need to tackle both of them seperately.

Academic Pursuits

Remember your dreams Naveen.

You cannot end up being a mediocre. And neither will I be influcened by people following a normal path. I won’t sacrifise my dreams. I am going to take risks. I will not take any Job which pays well - Just because it’s the safe thing to do. I want to enter a startup - A energetic startup where I can feel the vibe and see that I do something extraordinary. Where I can work on some exciting tech.

I am losing focus here…

I dunno what I want to do next - I gotta start thinking what I’ll do here. I’ll update this part once I do clear up and maybe get the time and mood to continue ahead.

As of now, I lost the track of my thoughts - I’ll return back someother day. Only one minor thing has been cleared until now - I also need to understand that something like this - would take many days to write and plan.

Or maybe as usual - I’ll end up taking a leap of faith and see where it takes me. But I know one thing for sure - If I want to manage both things I need to plan well. Because Planning is important.

Ciao for now everybody! Have great fun :)

Update : 10-Sep-2019

So Here I am back Sam, I thought things will go back to normal. The way they were supposed to be. This void of sadness is eating me up - Along with this comes also the guilt - That I don’t deserve to be sad. There’s no one around me to share - Someone who can understand what I feel. It’s pointless for me to expect someone to understand what I feel. Because how will anyone ever understand what the other is going through.

Ahhhhh! It’s all going over my head Sam. I want to call Maa and tell her what I feel - But Dad is not well, and if I breakdown - Mom and Dad both will loose their strength. And I also don’t wanna burden Maa will extra tension and bother Dad. It’s better I keep them away from my turmoil. In fact - I don’t wanna inflict my problems onto others. Yet I wish I had someone to talk to - someone to share and get their opinions and strength.

It does gets lonely Sam. It’s hard to keep going alone , hard to keep fighting for your ideals and staying strong on your beliefs when everyone around me has completely opposite beliefs. I don’t blame them at all Sam. Everyone has their priorities and their values. I respect their opinion. I just hope there was someone who could understand me. Someone who could sit me down and give me strenght and show me the path I need to take.

Is it only me who is confused or Are there people every where. I hate myself Sam. I am slacking a lot nowadays. I should be working hard and putting in my best efforts to see that I reach towards my ultimate goal but all I do now is Lay on the bed and look at the ceiling and day dream. How can this go on Sam. If this goes on this way - I’ll never improve - I’ll remain the same and I’m scared that I might end up becoming some normal person leading a normal life. I don’t want that to be me. I can’t imagine me living that kind of life. I want to be at the forefront of technology leading a change. I want that kind of life.

For all this, I need a mentor - Someone who can push me to my fullest extent. Someone who will help me break my boundaries and help me realise my potential. Or do i need them Sam? Can I alone do it. It’s hard to do it alone Sam.

Fuck this shit. I’m going nowhere with this. TO put it in normal sentences. I feel lonely. I want a mentor to push me to reach my potential, I want to be at the forefront of technology and I don’t wanna live a life of a normal person.

Naveen - understand this - All of your dream won’t happen if you keep cribing about your situation. Remember you are fully capable of controlling your actions. Laying down on the bed and wasting around time will not bring you what you desire. You need to get out there and put in your work. You need to stop slacking and start working.

Start by thinking small:

You can’t plan your future but you can take small actions to see that you don’t regret later. So let’s list down the things you want to do:

  1. Join some new exciting Open source organisation where you’ll learn a lot. Join a place where the community is pretty active and you can keep working.
  2. Work on your Final year Project.
  3. Though it’s hard for me to accept it - but I do gotta have to improve my CP skills - if I do want to get into exciting StartUps
  4. Make your own exciting project.

Now the question comes - How are you gonna do all this - You gotta start planning. Else it ain’t gonna work.

Update : 15-Sep-2019

Okay, Sam I fucked up. Fucked up real bad. I’m scared that I am going back to m basic human instinct and have started to get lazy and forget about everything. I can’t allow this to happen. I cannot go back and become a normal person. No No Noooo. If I do switch back to it - I’ll loose myself. I’m noticing that I am watching more movies and taking a lot of rest. This is being happening since the past 2 week. That means a total of 24x14 hours. Fuck me Samm.

To be honest - I hate this feeling. This feeling of let go and just not do anything. It eats me up. It’s just like the momentary pleasure that you get when you masturbate. And once that is done - You feel a different feeling ( This topic is for another day.) I do not want instant gratification. I can not let it happen. I fucking want to keep myself busy. Busy with so much work that sleep should only become a thing to live. I miss the days when I handled both. When I was chasing the deadlines.

But this time I want to work on something that I believe in. Something that I am ready to spend most of the time. I really need to find something to keep myself busy Sam.

There’s this other realization that I hit up with. If I want to try various different things I surely gotta have a time table. I am a crying asshole. There is so much to do.. So many things right before my eyes - Yet I’m clinging on to excuses. Excuses to give me a short cut. Because as we know - It’s always been easy for me to blame everything on excuses and let it go.s

Fuck all this. I am going to change it. I will make a Time table and get back to my old form of Not sleeping till 1-2am. It gave me different kind of thrills. The satisfaction of working hard all day and then retiring to a bed. So If I really want to change my life - I need to go in an organised way.

Because one thing I realised while doing both is that - There is so much time available - You only need to know how to utilize it. Even with GSoC, OMP and Finals I was able to extract 1 month time to chill out and relax. That means with good planning we can extract a lot of time and do lot’s of work.

THis is one last year - I am going to dive into various things and see where it takes me.

Also, going and looking back my previous attempts at this does prove that I failed everytime. One thing being - I can’t arrange tasks based on time. Saying that from 10:00am to 12:00am I’ll do so and so. It’s better If I write down the tasks that I want to achieve in a day and plan on it as day leads on.

Also I decided to make time to read a book for atleast one hour daily. No matter what. And also practise Coding questions everyday - Because I need to overcome this fear.

During these 5 days conversation with myself - I realised that I have been avoiding Competitive Coding only because I was scared that I would suck at it. It’s been a fear since the very beginning. Only to avoid it - I started to find ways to go around it so that I need not do it. But let’s face it SAM – If I go around it and keep going on - I would never overcome this fear and it’ll keep coming back to me one day or another.

And just for this - I am not going to set my bar low and get into a company that I don’t want to work for. I did it once for the college and I don’t want to do it again. The lower the bar I set - The lower I am going to reach. You want to make it big - Dream BIG. Dream BIG and work hard. Because If I again get into a mediocre company - I will be surrounded by mediocre people and there would go my dream of self development.

And that’s the reason why I won’t aim small.

So whatever it is - Two things are to be done daily - Book and Comp Coding. Then comes next - I gotta start exploring other fields of CS. And work on it.

Also I’m easily getting side tracked. I need to start my experiment again. So here it goes - I woe to not watch a movie/animated movie/any web series until I go to france. There it goes. And I won’t simply be checking my mail and LinkedIn and keep wasting my time.

I want to change myself. I wanna fight to see that I am a better person than today. It’s hard to do it alone - But you fucking gotta do it. It’s for a greater cause.

THere are still a lot of unaswered questions going on. I gotta calm them out. The range of these questions is quite wide. But for now - I’ll take the reins of my life into my own hands and see that I change it.

I want to be on the same level of some awesome programmer. I want companies to beg me to come to them to work. I want to reach that level of mastery and I won’t be able to do that if I remain this normal stupid faggot - I gotta evolve. And that is what I’ll do. Evolve.

I don’t know where things will take me - And I have no clue. I am clueless tbh. No clarity - I don’t know if anybody else feels this turmoil inside them. The pain and fear of not knowing about themself. Sam, I don’t even know about myself. The situation is so bad that I don’t even know my sexual orientation - (hahaha! I guess the person reading this might have twitched xD) - I want to know myself Sam. I wanna calm down the oceans of thoughts that exist. And the other part doesn’t want it to cease. I want to do great things - I believe I owe it to the society and all the good people who helped me live a great life. I guess this hude chaos is common - But I find it odd that people are scared/shy of sharing what they really feel. I sometimes could sense the things people feel - Some feel really lonely. I feel at times - Lonely because I want to talk to people about what I feel - But I also on the other hand am not comfortable to share it. We are thought since kids that it’s bad thing to break down - It’s a weakness and it’s wrong of you to put your problem onto others and that your problems are pretty worthless.

I wish people thought other people to love themselves and explore their inner self. People have stopped getting deep into themselves and talk to themselves. They have become too busy with their lives that they have forgot about their true self. Readers who dared to read on - Just think about it. When was the last time you ever took a break and talked to yourself. And some of you don’t even know what I’m talking about.

The question about How the fuck is this inner self. Well it’s you. The pure you. Whose voice you do hear sometimes. Which usually get’s drowned or ignored. This voice which guides you at times about what to do or not. This voice stops you from becoming the animal - The voice which brings out the emotions in you. I wish you could find it. It’s surreal. It helps me. Talking to myself and when it hits me backs and reminds me who I am.

Sometimes - I am amazed at how I do pull off the all time calm and cool attitude in public. I don’t even know how I ever do it. It’s only when i’m totallly in the zone that I pull off the viel that I understand what kind of asshole I’m. For those of you who know me - I consider myself to be the biggest hypocrite. I don’t practise what I preach. Just so you know - I too am just an asshole with tons of emotions that I don’t understand and am very good at hiding it xD.

In short - I’m person in making - Who knows nothing about himself.

But remember I won’t stop here. It’s good for me. The harder and confusing my life is - The stronger I become and the wiser I would become. I love it yet I hate it.

For now, Readers remember - I am confused and weak and maybe on the verge of breaking down - Buttt - I am not going to give up. I would endure this and fight it alone and rise about it. That’s who I am - I NEVER GIVE UP. NO one decided my life except me alone. Except maybe for the ONE who keeps this universe in check.

So that’s it for now babes - Here I go out and zone out and fight the real world and try as many things as possible.

CIAO - I am going out with fingers crossed that I come up with a proper plan that will propel me into a full developement.


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