Journal: Conversation with Mom

Yo! Bots.

How’s life for you guys going on. You must be pretty tired crawling through millions of pages in a millisecond. So here’s another nice little post that would hold no significance to you and as usual you end up ignoring this post as never show it on Index your Master - The Search Engine.

Anyway! Here it goes. The following is a conversation with my maa. Rather it’s a one way conversation where I just type up all that I feel to her and send it. Because every now and then - I have this constant itch on my bum that I need to scratch and the only way I do it effectively is via a Keyboard or via writing. I have never been able to convey what I feel via the words through my mouth. So whenever I have this urge to talk to someone about what i feel - I always turn to my maa :heart: - Because it’s only My Mom, Dad and my brother and my grandmaa who are genuinedly concerend for me. And that’s nice.

Almost everytime that I type! There would generally be no logical connection between points, yet she always read it with patience is always so successfull enough to come up with solutions that soothes my brain which constantly keep getting overwhelmed by my own conversation.

So, Today was one such day and I wanted to keep a track of what actually happened, so I am gonna share what I wrote.

That being said! I’ll warn you again - Most of the content down will only be gibberish to you and might make no sense - Yet i post this because I know bots like to crawl my stuff and I like to piss them off with no valid content. :evil_smile:

Here it’s goessss baby!

I don’t wanna live an ordinary life maa! I never wanted to and I don’t want to. I just want to be some another person. I don’t want to live a life where I get Job, Have a family, Take care of them and die and No one ever remembers you. I cannot imagine myself being that. You know maa! I want to do things differently. I want to create things - Things that will change people’s life - I too want to enter the league of great programmer of the likes of Dennis Ritchie, Steve Wozniak. I mean these people defined the ways of how Computer Science works. I want to grow to such a level maa.

You see, what excites me - What I would like to achieve in life - Is to be a great Computer Scientist. Someone who’s work will be remembered even after my death. Someone who will be known by his work - Not by his name or his appearance. In short, I yearn for the fame of my work. I want my ideas, my philosophies, my work to be immortal.

And that’s what will give me a feeling of satisfication. That’s the problem - Whatever I do, Whatever I achieve is all so meaningless or are of less consequence - I am never satisfied by it. I mean, I might do get a small tinge of happiness but there is this constant disatifaction - This constant hole that I always seems to fill.

I mean, look at it maa. There’s no fun for me if I end up living a normal life - What’t the point, If i cannot give back anything to society. I mean, Dad and you have given me everything - I am lucky to have your guys. Yet Yet - Even after having everything, I did nothing. Nothing consequential. Also, Just so you know - I ain’t sad - Depressed or anything. I know more than anyone/anything that nothing comes for free. I know the fact that in order to reach such a level of competence where people look up to me, I need to work hard and keep working hard. I don’t like working hard maa - Rather it’s the contrary - I love to work - The more I work - The more the happiness I derive from it. It’s odd ain’t it. I know very well that results take time and effort. I did not write the above post to say that I am sad. No i am not. Neither am i lamenting. I wrote it because you asked me yesterday - What is it that I want from life.

I maa! Want to be one of the greatest programmer ever lived - I want to give back as many great softwares(my art) as I can - I want to devote my entire life in building such things maa. And whatever surplus money that I get - I will be using it to help all those in need. And I ain’t stopping until I reach my goal. Until I reach the top of this chain where, my actions impact lot’s of people - I will not stop.

That’s what I want from my life. The craze and adrenaline pumping into my blood everyday - Doing new and exciting things which will change the fate of the world.

In short - I want to be loved/looked unpon by the entire tech community - I would really want people to feel that they lost a great human when I ever leave the world.

I dunno is it ever wrong of me to dream of such things? I mean, people ask me to be realistic. And in any reality - The things I aim for - The things I yearn for would not be possible at all. But what if this is what my heart desires. What if the only thought in my brain 24x7 is to reach that position. What if this is my kind of intoxication - Is it still worthwhile for me to continue on this path. Though I know, that if I go onto this path - I might be be retracted from lot’s of people.

I also know this that, Even if people call me stupid - I would still continue on this path. Why? Because - That’s a promise I made to myself. And If I can’t fulfill the promise I made to myself - What kind of man would I ever be?

But How - How do i reach to that level maa? How do i go from this average kid to a place where people recognize me, And that’s a question. I don’t know the answer to All I know is the destination I want to reach. That’s the only thing i know. I don’t know what paths I need to take. But I am scared maa - There is only one regret that keeps haunting me everyday - I am not giving me best. I am not unleashing my potential. I want to maa - I want to push myself to the freaking edge - I want to unleash and break all the cages - And for that I am ready to do any amount of work - All I need is an answer - How can I do that.

Or maybe - I have the answer right in front of me and I am being blinded by my own thoughts and insecurities that I am unable to see it clearly.

Oh! How I wish - Someone turns up and shows me the the ways and techniques that I can use to improve myself. Though I know the answer to this very question that - It is only me who can help me improve myself. I gotta find my own ways and techniques. I do not fear this - yet I yearn for some guidance from someone someone who can take me under their wing and teach me.

Sometimes I am just scared that, If I stay like this too long - What if I end up being and another ordinary person in this huge mass of the population. And if I do become that - What would be my purpose of life.

Odd! isn’t it. Whatever it is. All I know, As long as this flame of doing something great is alive - I will keep putting in all my efforts and see that I take it step and step and enter into the league of ExtraOrdinary programmers and help as many people as I can.

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